I was shocked to say the least. How could this happen? I have an IUD, how could I be? I didn’t plan for this, I avoided it by all means.
So there I sat, staring ever so silently at the little window that read “pregnant”. I was frozen, my mind was a blank. Half of me was secretly excited and the other half was numb. A million questions afloat in my head. Can I do this? Will four children be impossible to manage? Do we really need this right now? I want to finish college, I want to travel, I want, I want, I want.
I could feel this happening two weeks prior to me finding out. My lower back began to ache and the pain never subsided, it only got worse. My legs were completely restless every night and I quickly became pouchy in my lower abdomen. I knew right from the moment and yet it would be two weeks before I could prove it with a test. The first one came back negative and then the second negative, but I knew and so I had to buy more. I waited three days and then I tried again only to see a very faint line. This wasn’t enough proof so i waited until the following morning and finally used the digital which read “pregnant”. It was only 4:00 a.m. so I waited patiently until my husband awoke 15 minutes later to get up for work. He knew I was testing again so of course the first thing he asked when he seen me lying there awake was
“so?” “Did you take the test”? I said “yes” and “yes”. That’s all I could say. I was scared of his reaction. I thought he might be sad or overwhelmed and I didn’t know how to comfort his feelings when I still didn’t know how to comfort my own. Thankfully, he reacted with much concern and so we joked and we laughed and we made good out of our current situation.
Throughout the day my back continued to ache and my left side was hurting. I would be cleaning around the house and I would just burst into tears because I was so stressed that something was wrong. I was stressed because I still had an IUD. I still had health issues to possibly face. I was glued to the computer researching the possibilities of a miscarriage or an eptopic pregnancy. I read stories of women who delivered their babies at five months because the IUD caused them to miscarry. There were so many of them. I couldn’t believe how many women were pregnant with an IUD perfectly in place. It was supposed to be one of the most effective birth controls out there. Why was I doing this? Why was I making myself unbelievably stressed out? The more I read the more my stomach began to hurt.
I hurried to the doctor and was tested there only to get another negative. Why so much confusion? The doctor didn’t hear me, he didn’t act concerned, he didn’t believe me. So I got a blood test and hours later after biting my nails and pacing around the house the doctor called and said “you are pregnant”. Again I was relieved because a part of me really wanted to be but my stomach was still hurting and my worries were still there. I quickly got in my car and went to the er. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t eptopic because I was experiencing so much pain. I read that if the IUD was removed I had a better chance of having a healthy pregnancy and that after 48 hours my risk of miscarriage would be that of anyone else with a normal pregnancy. If I kept the IUD in I would have a 50 percent chance of miscarriage in the second trimester. In my mind I knew I had to get it removed and quickly.
The ER proved to be nothing but torture. The doctor was convinced I had an eptopic from the moment he spoke with me. He quickly called the OB, ordered blood test, Ultra sounds and two pelvic exams. The fear was uncontrollable. There I lay, my eyes filled with tears and my chest felt as though it was holding a heavy weight. What is happening? What do I do? My emotions were all over the place. I never cry, no one ever see’s me cry and yet I couldn’t stop crying. The Ultrasound came back with nothing. My blood test showed that I was barely pregnant and it was too early to see anything. The doctor removed my IUD and told me to come back if I had horrible bleeding or cramping.
Friday morning came quickly and my mind began to spin. I have always loved the feeling of pregnancy. Before the confirmation of test I know it’s there. I rub my stomach without even noticing I’m doing it. I’m creating a connection far beyond my control. I’m creating a new life. I don’t think there is anything quite like it in this world. The bond is breath-taking, the first look into their little eyes, the first cry, the first grasp of your finger. It’s all so amazing. I pictured him. He was a beautiful fat baby boy with big eyes staring ever so lovingly into my eyes. I pictured his laugh, his smile, the way he made me feel. So my question to myself is “why was I imagining all of this”? Was I so sure that I was okay. I even started to ask my children how they would feel about a new little baby brother or sister. My confidence was a little more than it should have been.
I ask myself so many questions all throughout the day. Why did I go to the grocery store three times over the course of two days? Why did I go to farmers market or get in a bumpy car to go look at houses. Why did I help cook when my husband offered to do it for me. Why did I clean? Why? I don’t know why. Saturday came and I remember thinking that I need to stop being so tense when I walk or when I sit. I even remembered telling myself that if it’s going to happen it’s going to happen anyways and so I should just go about my day the way I normally do.
Sunday came, 3:00 a.m. I awoke from a dream. I dreamed that my HCG levels tripled which meant that the pregnancy was healthy. I remember smiling and being at ease but then I awoke. I had a strong urge to run to the bathroom. My fears were coming true. The next morning I couldn’t be at home. I couldn’t be around anyone. I got in my car and I drove. I didn’t know where to drive, I didn’t know what to do. I knew if I went to the doctors they would just send me home and tell me they were sorry. I hated feeling everything that was happening. All I could do was cry out loud. All I could do was be empty, feel empty, feel helpless. I went down by the river to just sit. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to gather myself, I wanted to get it all out and move on with my life. I was sitting there alone and a couple with there two-year old walks up and ask if they could share the spot with me. Really? I was furious inside but I still said yes. His girlfriend was about 8 months pregnant. How unfair I thought. Out of all the people to come share my pity with me it has to be a pregnant girl. I quickly left and finally went home to lay in my room.
It’s only been four days and I’m still pretty sour about it. At moments I don’t even think about it but then something will remind me and I again feel empty. Yesterday I found the ER paper in my car that read “go home to rest”. How did I not see that before. To some I may even sound silly. I was only a few weeks. It was just a tiny cell, but to me it was more. Sometimes I wish I could just rewind a week. I would have left the IUD in place until the baby was a little stronger, I would have layed still as long as it took, I would have done anything but what I did. Reality is that I cannot change what has happened. I cannot blame myself and I cannot mope. Obviously I still have the hormones coursing through my veins because my emotions are still very raw.
What I have learned from this experience is that I want to have that joy once more in my life. I always knew I wanted a lot of children, a huge family to gather around when I am old. We will plan for a later date, but what I know is that sometimes the greatest joys come “unplanned”.
“The best things in life aren’t things”